Confessions of a sinner...

Why mix the liqeuor, when I can drink it pure.
For my kind of illness, there exists no cure.

Its not mental, in the body or because I´m old.
It’s a fundamental flaw, deep down in my soul.

Looking for answers, at the bottom of a bottle.
I´ve lived my life singleminded, always full throttle.

Always I´ve kept it hidden, in this anonymous text.
If the answer is not in this flask, then maybe the next.

Somewhere along the line, I dropped my disguise.
Now I look in the mirror, and see a face I don´t recognize.

We all search for our niche, our place on lifes shelf.
But if I had the option, I would erase myself.

I don´t belong here, I never really did.
I realized this too early, back when I was a kid.

I can´t be categorized, I just don´t fit in.
There is no shelf for men, who´ve lived their life in sin.

I´ve never felt at ease, never felt at home.
This constant fear and mistrust, imbedded in my bones.

My father was never there for me, to him I was a mistake.
Did you ever consider the consequences, you have a child for Gods sake!

My mother tried the best she could, I grew up very spoiled.
But deep inside the spark grew strong, the fires of hatred boiled.

I wish I could blame those two, it would all be so easy.
But the errors are mine alone, I guess God just likes to tease me.

I grew up in solitude, my life always felt dismal.
The strongest emotion known to me, is the feeling of betrayal.

There has been people who believed in me, who wanted to join the fray.
But to protect my few loved ones, I´ve pushed them all away.

It´s not possible to love me, no matter how hard you try.
I´m not capable of returning it, eventually it will die.

I want to repay the feelings, belive me I want to abide.
But the currents are just to strong, your asking me to turn the tide.

My nightmares they still haunt me, alone at night in the bed.
I told a girl about them once, she packed her things and fled.

So the things I´ve done, I can never again share.
Even though my life is filled, with people who truly care.

My family would tremble, at the monster I´ve become.
But the fouls I´ve committed, can never be undone.

I must learn to live with it, as it will never vanish.
Either I grow strong enough, or forever I shall perish.

I spend every minute of every hour, hiding this abomination.
All I´ve ever searched for, is the path to salvation.

The silverlined walkway, the god forgiven path.
Has eluded me for so long, while dreading the aftermath.

My memories are horrible, forever they will torture me
I realize finally, this is the price for being me.

I gues it all comes down to a choice, is it all worth the price.
For living each day as me, is a tremendous sacrifice.

It all seemed so easy back then, my will was firm and tight.
But to kill a man and live with it, is not possible nor right.

Forever will it follow me, remembering this very instant.
How can I start a family, how can I spark an infant.

My mind is numb, my body is sore.
I confess all my sins, can´t take it anymore.

I fight a loosing struggle, this war going on within.
If God and Satan battle for my soul, I deserve the devil to win.